Dear Lost and Profound;

A lot of people wrote in to say how they vas much depressed by my last message. Vat? You need more "good feeling" BS zan you got already? Mein Gott! So vhy not read "Desiderata", eat a carrot, hit yourself mit a stick, und call me in the morning. Vat do you expect humans? More of das hearts und flowers? Not here. Here iss only carrots und sticks, correct functioning of das brain, und za true realization zat you are probably crazy. Since Crazy iss mein business, you should get your brain in here for a tune up und adjustment. Believe me, it is best to visit reality from time to time before returning to alcoholism, church und television. Being crazy iss okay (it is mein income after all), za true trick is dealing mit it sensibly.

I am introducing a new self-taught at home therapy called Bliss Through Brain Damage. It iss a two-position method involving two ordinary building bricks und your head. Position two involves holding za bricks vertically against each temple. Position one has za bricks positioned about 30 centimetres avay from your head (OR A FOOT FOR AMERICANS-don’t get confused now- feet on the ground). Okay now rapidly move za bricks from position one to position two. Repeat several times rapidly, und soon a state of calm will descend on you. Zis is much easier than the Coat Hanger Self Lobotomy I introduced years ago in Lausanne, which had zae problem of precise aiming. Zere are a number of Swiss people who now hang around in clothes closets thinking zat zey are raincoats. Zere vas some criticism of zis CHSL, but mostly from raincoat manufacturers. Swiss authorities mentioned zat zere vere plenty enough raincoats in Switzerland mitout adding more (unauthorized ones). I vould only answer ziss: zese people may now think zey are raincoats, but zey are happy. Unless it rains, but hey, nobody wants to ride around on somebody’s back in za rain.

Happiness always has its price. On ze other hand, Bliss Through Brain Damage may be za breakthrough. It vill stabilize za raincoat population in Switzerland for one thing.(Thank Gott ve didn’t market zis in England. London Fog vould have sued us!) BTBD is simple, mit readily available materials; you can get bricks, und you have a head. All za ingredients are easy as iss za instructions, with few mistakes. Now don’t hang around construction sites, people vill begin to suspect zat you are looking for sanity. People looking for sanity are thought to be crazy you see. Zis BTBD method iss not as effective as a good vallop mit a professionally aimed stick, but it will save you airfare and therapy costs. Just be careful not to end up mit za bricks on your ears, because zis will cause deafness. Deafness can be inconvenient, especially if you like to vatch TV, listen to za radio, za politicians, za theologians, your vife/husband/children/pets/voices in your head etc.

So! Give it a bash und let me know how it vorks out. Zis iss a breakthrough, it could even be a hit. I vas going to sell bricks but za postage vas too high, so you have to get your own. Good Luck. Remember za bricks und soon you vill be forgetting your problems!

As for me I am all for getting your problems, bring zem to me, along mit a lot of money, und I guarantee a brand new point of view. Caring for your brain sun or rain, makes my day, vork or play.

Hope for za hopeless, help for za helpless, clues for the clueless, prices for the priceless, and care for the careless.

Dr. Dag Halfredt