I am sending you three of mein lucid and wise articles for your Vordscapes Vebsite. Zey are about 30% longer, due to mental inflation and bursts of pshchiatric creativity. Now, a new feature iss titles. Vhy did I not sink of ziss before? Now by using das titles, your unfortunate vebsite visitors can target zere information search to a subject of interest. Iff you vish I could send titles for za previous ones also. I am getting too many letters from young adolescent girls requesting sexual appeasement. Zis is not za kind of qvuestions I vas hoping for. Other more explicit letters from persons of unknown gender seem to indicate a cult-like following for the Carrot und Stick treatment. But I get ze impression zat zey are more also inclined for sexual appeasement, only mit vegatables und discipline. How could I be so misunderstood? Vere dit I mention za sex at all? Iss za whole planet zen fascinated mit zere genitals? Vat ve do not need iss more humans I sink. More like ve could use a few of za right funerals for ziss silly old planet.

Ah forgive me Mr. Hugopogo, I rant on. To end off, ze answer to ze adolescent girls is: Absolutely not, unless you promise to use Green Giant Cream corn and an aluminum step ladder."

Zat iss all for now.

Dr. Dag

Dear Earthlings:

Some of you might be vondering vat a column from a famous Brain Care Specialist iss doing on a Vebsite vich is dedicated to finding za job. Vat might be za connection? Vell, as you probably know, finding a good job can drive you crazy. Looking for a job can drive you crazy. Interviews can drive you crazy. Being unemployed can drive you crazy. Marketing yourself can drive you crazy. Lots of courses und vorkshops for za finding of za vork vill tell you of the vonderful opportunity, und positive thinking, und za special manufactured eagerness you must alvays have. Za positive outlook, za thrill of the competition, za need to be za best you can be etc. Rubbish! It iss enough to drive you crazy. It iss NOT fun, it iss insulting demeaning, embarrassing, overwhelming, depressing und largely futile. Nobody says zis at the vorkshops, but everybody knows it.

Za big trick iss to pretend all zis positive stuff vhile inside you are vanting just to go to your bed und sleep on it, und have a nightmare, just for relief. Is zere some answer to zese problems? Of course not, und don’t believe anyone who tells you different. It vill probably get vorse. Forget za sympathy too, vile you are getting depressed. Take it from me, no one can help you. Iss it all so hopeless? Yes it iss funseekers. Life iss cruel und relentless und does not take even time for za coffee break. Ze only relief iss me! A quick visit mitt za carrot und stick can send you back onto ze front lines mit renewed vigor und determination, mit maybe a lump on your head und carrot breath.

Remember, za right job iss out there- like za X files, but you vill probably not find it. Someone you know vill, und it vill piss you off ven zey announce to you, za purchase of a Porche. So, vat is the answer, sufferers? Please let me know if you figure it out. Some humans find consolation and comfort in alcoholism, enebrients, Gott, und long term illness. Thiss stoff works for some people, but zey can all drive you crazy. Come und see me for preventative care und a hard dose of reality, a bit of carrot und a good hit on za head mit a stout stick. You vould be surprised how vell it can work! It helps me anyways, I like feeding people carrots und hitting them. So help me.

Drop by for a qvick visit to za Brain Care Clinic, oh and could you bring in some fresh carrots, ours are getting a bit soft. Za stick is fine however, and vaiting to give you za blinding light of reality zat you need so badly right now! I’m waiting. Don’t be shy. You are a dime a dozen und we all know it, so stop trying to be special. Get a job. Suffer mit us. Stop fearing death and begin to look forward to it. Mental health is an ongoing struggle. This may be hell but you will thank me vhen you are vell.

Yours sincerely (or somebody’s)

Dr Dag